Life, Books, Cats

Forgotten what's it's like to be part of an ongoing fandom, I mean.  To be sincerely worried about whether my favorite characters will live, and not be able to just check online to see what happened.  To have to WAIT. 

I think I must have forgotten how involved I got in Avatar.  Screaming at the TV when Zuko did something especially boneheaded.  Pinned to my chair with fear as a character lay dying.  Inability to sit still during the theme song.  And sure, I didn't exactly have a life back then, but I don't exactly have a life now either.

Feeling an urge to write, of all things, FIX FIC. 

I'm going to go do Star Wars stuff.  Star Wars had a happy ending more than twenty years ago.  Star Wars is my type of fandom.

In less than a month, I will be sixteen.  Sixteen.  I am still trying to adjust to this.  When I was seven, I watched cartoons and read lengthy books on the Tudor dynasty.  Now that I am fifteen, I still watch cartoons and read lengthy books on the Tudor dynasty.  My mindset hasn't really changed that much beyond the problems, and it works well.  I still have imaginary friends, now I write them down. 

Soon I will possibly have a driver's liscense, and in preparation, I have been driving to school.  Mom rides with me, obviously, but I and my little permit drive.  I am getting better at it. 

I'm scared stiff.

A very long time ago, I joined a fandom.  It was called Avatar, and it was good.
I began to wite fanfic.  It contained Mary Sues, and it was not as good.
I did not share it.

Over a year ago now, I joined another fandom.  It was called Star Wars, and it, too, was good.
I began to read fanfiction.  Most of it was good. 

Some of it was great.  Really great.  Some of it was time travel- and lo, did come the plot bunnies.

And I began to write.  And it became a hundred pages long, and it took over my mind and my life, and I wondered whether or not to do it again.

And lo, did the plot bunnies stampede, until the ground was darkened as in Night of the Lepus.

And in both of these fandoms, I had a 'ship, and they were good, though I could not write them. 

And then...

Alright, pretentious prose aside, I've mentioned earlier that I am beginning to be drawn into DC Comics fandom.  Like most of my fandoms, this was not my idea.  It just sort of happened.

And, well...  And lo, did come the plot bunnies.

And the ships.  Good heavens, and lo, did come the ships.  It started with BatCat, which I could deal with only by completely ignoring everything besides fanfictions because you do not get attached to relationships in comics.  This was quite easy, as comics cost quite a bit anyway and the store is located across the Intersection of Doom.

Now, one thing I try to do to preserve my sanity is ship canon.  It started with Han/Leia, a very safe ship in which all the loose ends were cleared up ten years or so before my birth and which has the added benefit of very few people disliking it.  These people are clearly insane and are very easy to ignore.

Then came Tokka.  This is Toph/Sokka, for those not familiar with Avatar (Aunt Mary, stop reading this, or you will get spoilers and you do not want those, do you?) 

Is Aunt Mary gone?

Alright, then, Toph has a fairly blatant crush on Sokka, but Sokka is fairly clearly involved with, well, most other females in the show it seems like.  He finally ends up with one, and it is not Toph.  But I could easily convince myself that I just liked the canon crush, and so spare myself from useless heartache.

BatCat is kept strictly to fanfiction in order to save on money and sanity.

Now, the thing about these ships is they all either are canon, were canon, are partially canon, or are canon about 50% of the time depending on the writer.

But now I have stepped into dangerous waters.

I have become attached to a noncanon pairing.  I have become attached to a noncanon pairing that is slash and will never, ever, happen. 

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Why can I not be mean to people?

It's not that I want to be mean, per se.  I dealt with enough people who never even considered the feelings of others for far too long.  But surely not everyone is as hyper sensitive as I am?

Maybe, just maybe, I could manage to tell someone that "your fic makes my eyes bleed" or "please shut up about that teacher you hate already, I want to talk about my life now" or even "no, I'm not sorry?"

Just once?

Maybe?

Because I can't do that.  Because there is a little factor in my brain that completely shuts down when I try to be not nice, with the result that people get two impressions of me:

"She never talks, does she?"

Or, when i snap as I do occasionally,

"Oh, Lord, I'm just going to run away now."

This is not a healthy state of being.  Surely I can bring myself to realize that harsh words won't completely destroy someone's life.  Just because I once came close to tears when someone (justifiably) insulted my writing awhile back doesn't mean that everyone else is that emotionally immature.

So yah know what?

YOU CAN'T SPELL YOUR OWN NAME.  WHY WOULD I WANT TO WORK WITH YOU?

MAYBE I'M NOT PERFECT AT DOING EVERYTHING TO YOUR SPECIFICATIONS.  NEITHER ARE YOU.  I'M SORRY.

YOUR KINK IS NOT OKAY.

I AM NOT SOME LITTLE AMUSING GAME YOU CAN LAUGH AT WHEN SHE HIDES UNDER TABLES.

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T INSULT MY FRIENDS LOOKS WHEN YOUR ENTIRE FACE IS BASICALLY A GIANT PIMPLE.

Now, all of those were immature.  I am, in fact, going to apologize now for saying them if you were offended.  And I certainly don't want to shout them at everyone constantly.

But I'd like to be able to say them sometimes.  Like when you deserve it.